i'm comin' home tomorrow, i'll try and look my best.

angry angry hippies & asians!

Mon, 30 May 2005 22:49:26 GMT

dear world,
leave the peace signs to asians &&&& hippies. thanks!

love,
sidekick pp &&&& captian weenie

it's ian...

Mon, 30 May 2005 05:36:03 GMT

i just wanted to say that i am NOT breaking up with sarah, nor have i fallen out of love with her. she's still just as amazing as ever. she still has my heart. she will always have it. i love her more than anything ever, and i mean it. i'm never going to let her go. i want to be really good to her, always. she's been through so much and she deserves it. it's all she's ever wanted... to be loved. i'm so glad i can give that to her. she is the most incredible girlfriend to me, i hope i give her what she gives me. she really makes me the happiest boy in the world. i couldn't ask for a better companion. she's the best there is. i also felt like we were growing apart. i've missed her so much. i've been miserable not hearing her voice. but it's okay. we can get through this. all i've ever wanted was someone like her... i'd be stupid to give this up. i will never give it up. she means so much to me. i love her so much... a whole bunchies. she is the one i'm going to spend forever with.

Mon, 30 May 2005 01:53:53 GMT

it's reaching the end. i know it is. our once fairy tale love is coming to an end. he may not know it, but i know it. i can feel it. we aren't in love like we were a month ago. i can't feel it. there's no spark between us anymore. i feel like i'm doing nothing but bothering him. i've felt it all day. i don't think he loves me as much as he says he does. i love him as much as i say i do. i know i do. i know for a fact.. but with him.. i don't think he's feeling it anymore. i think he's trying to make himself seem like he's in love with me. i have a feeling we're going to break up tonight or pretty soon. he's depressed again, and he's extremely lonely. i can't do anything to fix it anymore. i feel worthless to him. he can say he loves me all he wants. i don't feel it anymore. i'd take a break if my heart was strong enough. not a break i want. i just want to see if he loves me like he says he does. he said i could leave for a year and he'd still love me. i find that impossible. i find a lot of things impossible right now. i don't want us to end, ever. but i have a feeling he's not gonna wanna be with me for much longer. the distance is getting too much. i haven't talked to him for more than an hour since last monday (on the phone). it's hard. really hard. our relationship isn't normal and never will be. or, until i'm with him permantly. which i doubt we'll ever see that. the summer is on it's way, which means i'll be there with him. we'll see then if we're actually soulmates. i believe we are. even if he ends up leaving me.. i'll always believe it. i love him and always will. he will always be the boy of my dreams. the one i've always wanted. i will always love you, ian. you will always be MY iancakes. even if you don't love me, and take your heart back. you can always keep mine..

eh, depression, crying, godfuck.

i want some razor blades and a cigarette.

dyed hair.

Fri, 27 May 2005 23:28:26 GMT

being beautiful and not knowing it is worse than being beautiful and denying it.

Fri, 27 May 2005 16:36:51 GMT

ugh..

so those cute baby bunnies that i saved last night.. died. :[
i really feel like the worse person alive because i couldn't do anything for them.
i've been crying since they've died over an hour ago.

R.I.P
burzum and mayhem.

:[

Fri, 27 May 2005 00:36:30 GMT

boy oh boy.

an hour ago i was sitting in my kitchen, minding my own bussiness when my grandma yells "SHE'S GOT A RABBIT, A BABY!" i run outside and look, my cat has a baby rabbit hanging from her mouth! i get the bunny out of my cat's mouth, i throw the cat in the house. (only time i'll ever throw her! promise!) i grabbed the baby bunny, and me, being the animal lover, i couldn't let it go. so i take the rabbit, and a small cage i have, and i line it with news paper, wrapped both of it's back legs because they were bleeding. i cleaned them first of course. i don't think it can eat yet.. so i tried giving it milk. it wont take it. i don't have a eye dropper thing either. gahhhh. so iunno what i'm gonna do.

not even ten minutes later...

"LACEY'S GOT ANOTHER ONE!" lacey brings in another baby rabbit. this one isn't hurt at all, it's quite restless. it's very cute. this one wont eat either.. and it peed all over my hand.. >_<

i don't know what i should do! i'm gonna keep them for a while.. and see how that goes. if it isn't any better i'm gonna have to let them go. it'll break my heart, but i know it might be for the best.

anyone have any ideas on what i should do?

p.s. if i wasn't vegan, i would def. be start right now!

Thu, 26 May 2005 10:58:31 GMT

IAN NICHOLAS NAJDZIONEK!!!!!

we're fighting, k?

hey, asshole!!! i wasn't serious yesterday when i said i wasn't even gonna get on the computer in the morning!! you know i have to be on the computer every second i can be! you asshole!! asshole, asshole, asshole! now i'm gonna go to school sad, because i couldn't tell you i love you! :[ assssshhhholle. rahrharhahrharar bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.. etc...

i hate you! >:|

we're broken up, k? k. good. finally, right? asshole.

jkkjkjkjkj.
ilove you so much. ;*
BUT I AM MAD AT YOU FOR NOT DRESSING UP! asshole! :[
<333333333

Wed, 25 May 2005 19:43:10 GMT

sometimes i wish i could stay sleeping. last night i probably had one of the most amazing dreams, ever. and it was so real. i didn't wanna wake up. i begged my grandmother to let me stay home so i could sleep.. but she wouldn't let me. last night i had a dream that ian and i were together. we were laughing, and happy. everything was perfect. we were laying in his bed for hours, cuddling and all that. it made me extremely happy, but yer so depressed. i love him so much. i want to be with him everyday. too bad that's impossible, huh? oh well. the summer is near, and so is my love. i love you.

Tue, 24 May 2005 19:40:14 GMT

help me, please. pretty, pretty please?

if anyone has calling cards, can you please give me the number and pin number? i will do anything for you. anything i can, i promise. seriously, this is extremely important. email me if you have any. movementlover21@yahoo.com

thank you.

Mon, 23 May 2005 18:08:45 GMT

i don't think it's very healthy to be dealthy afraid of your father. i don't think it's normal for your heart to beat, your stomach to cramp up and for your hands to shake everytime he comes around. i don't think it's right for a sixteen year old girl to be afraid of her father. but i am. i can't help it. it just happens. even when he's being nice to me, i still get scared. i'm afraid to talk, to move, to do anything around him because if he doesn't like it, he'll yell at me or hit me. i don't want to have to live the rest of my life being afraid of him. i think i now know why i'm such a little girl. i'm afraid of everything, and i mean everything. i'm afraid too look out my window if it's dark, i'm afraid to be in a house all by myself when it's dark, i'm afraid of being near a lot of water. (oceans, seas.. etc, and i'm afraid of thunder and lightning. most of these happen have things to do with my father. my father used to scare me at night, he used to tell me ghost stories. he used to throw me into deep ends of pools so i couldn't get out. and with thunder and lightning, it reminds me of my father.. iunno.
a few minutes ago, he came behind me, i didn't hear him because my music was up really loud. he hit me in the back of the head and just started yelling at me, then left. and does my grandma care? nope. not at all. she's the reason why he does hit me a lot of the times. she tells him i'm bad so he'll hit me. yeah, thanks grandma. i left his house to get away from him. and did it do any good? everyone thinks my life is so good. everyone thinks i have it made. "you're rich sarah, you can get anything you want! you live with your grandparents, they buy you everything!" haha, okay. try living in my shoes for a week. try waking up everyday knowing your grandmother hates you. trying not knowing if you're gonna get hit today. try not knowing if you're mothers around. try knowing you're entire family is against you. yeah, getting all these things i want is nice, i will admit. but i'd rather have love. i miss baking cookies with my grandma. i miss being little. i didn't understand anything when i was little. i thought it was normal. but now i'm older and i know that beating the fuck out of me because you're a pathetic piece of shit drunk isn't right. you're gonna be getting a pretty big slap in the face one of these days, mr. robert hogan. sarah's leaving in october. she's going to florida. florida's a long ways away. i'll be with my grandma anne, the only one who loves me even a little bit. then after a while, i'll be living with ian. and he's all the love i need. i'll be so happy with my new life, i'll forget about you. daddy's little girl's going away. have fun being alone. although it wont really bother you, because you wont be sober long enough to know i'm actually gone. bye, daddy.

i wish i didn't have a father.

Sun, 22 May 2005 23:45:47 GMT

dear distance,

hello there, good friend of mine. *cough* can i tell you something? you suck. you suck so much. i hate you more than anything in the world. you're probably the worst thing in my life, in anyone's life. why do you have to be so mean? why must you exsist? why must you make it seem like new york state is bigger than it is? instead of six hours it feels like a million years away. all i want to do is be with the love of my life, but i can't because of you! distance, you hurt me terribly. you make me cry every night. you make me sad. you make me want to give up! but i can't give up without a fight. i have to prove to you that you're a battle i can beat. and i will beat you. even if it takes me a million years.. i will beat you and be happy. i will be with the love of my life. i'll be with him everyday. and you will have to find someone else to hurt. you wont hurt me forever. you aren't always going to keep me from him. just because you are now means nothing. you aren't the future. you're the past. distance. i wish there was no such thing. everyone's life would be a lot better without you. but that's not possible. one day you'll be conqured and no one will have to worry about you. i hate you so much. i wish you wouldn't make my life so miserable. i can see you try really hard to break us apart. but the jokes on you. wwr're gonna beat you. we're gonna be fine. just watch your back distance, we're coming for you!

your prisoner,
sarahpoofs

Sun, 22 May 2005 17:43:32 GMT

"i'm begining to hate you, i don't want you here anymore. you need to leave."

my grandma loves me, i swear. [note the sarcasm]

Sun, 22 May 2005 02:22:37 GMT

dear diary,

distance ruins lives, relationships, love, happiness, and makeup.

love always,
sarah elizabeth